Serial Velcro Frotteur

Something has been bothering me for quite a while now and I'm afraid I can no longer keep it to myself.

The goddamn TV Weather Forecast.

Why the hell do people still pay any attention to it? Can they not see that it's absolute bullshit? Predicting the weather is a total crapshoot at best. I don't care how state-of-the-art the Weather Bureau thinks their methods are, what it really comes down to is the following two possible outcomes:

   Either stuff is going to fall out of the sky, or it isn't.

And you know what? Those bastards down at the Weather Bureau can't even tell you for sure which of those it's going to be. They've pretty much got a fifty/fifty chance of getting their prediction right and they don't even have the balls to make a firm statement one way or the other. It's always "possible showers" or "a chance of rain". What the fuck? I could have told you that. There's always a chance of rain, for fuck's sake - it's either going to rain or it isn't.

"A chance of rain". Just stop and think for a moment about what an insult to your intelligence that phrase is. It's like telling you that if you flip a coin there's a chance it may land on heads.

Let's expand on that analogy for a moment. In my experience, the TV weather forecast usually only turns out to be correct about half the time at most. If I were to flip a coin and "predict" which side it was going to land on, I'd probably get it right about half the time too. You know why? Because only one of two things can happen.

Heads/tails.

Precipitation/no precipitation.

FUCK!!

I really just cannot understand why people are so hung up on seeing the damn weather forecast. "Shh! I want to see what the weather is going to be like tomorrow!" Fuck off. Just stick your head out the damn window and look upwards. If it's cloudy, then it's probably going to rain/hail/snow/sleet/whatever. If the sky is clear, then you won't have to cancel that trip to the beach. That's essentially what the weatherman on TV will tell you. Only, he's standing in front of a computer-generated chart that makes him look like he knows what the fuck he's talking about. In truth, he doesn’t know shit. In fact, he’s probably a Nazi sympathizer who’s sexually aroused by footage of cosmetics testing on animals (I have no basis for this, but it wouldn’t surprise me).

And you know what really bothers me? When that bastard has the gall to tell me what the weather conditions were today. How can they possibly justify wasting airtime on that? Who needs to be told what the weather was like today, for Christ's sake? If you can't remember what the weather has been doing for the past 12 hours or so, I really think you're going to be too busy shitting your pants in an alley somewhere to be watching the TV weather report.

I think it's time we all banded together to put a stop to this farce. Forget about whatever cockamamie bullshit causes you may be hung up on at the moment. The TV weather report is far more pressing an issue. I think that, through a concerted effort of well-organized grass-roots action, we can successfully lobby to have the weather report taken off the air and replaced with video footage of various shit being blown up. You owe it to the world to make this change for the better a reality, people.